Looking Ahead

Dearest Bubba,

It has been a long time... but no news is good news as my journey begins to start.

Finally after what seems like an endless battle we have finally had some help in tyring to conceive a baby! Its brilliant news, better news would be a pregnancy of course butat least we can start this path again. I can start getting excited, and I can start to be hopeful.

The moment the doctor told me that it was fine and he was going to get me my baby I had tears in my eyes, I looked across at your daddy and he was speechless. We went in preparing for battle, like we had to do so many times before.

We walked into the room and sat nervously in our chairs waiting for the overwhelming disappointment to hit us again. Instead the doctor grinned from ear to ear, "so you want a baby?" he asked rhetorically. "Well lets get on with it, heres what we are going to do..." there were no issues with my weight this time, there was no 'umming' and 'erring', just to the point.
I think I was still dumbstruck by the absolute pleasantness of the doctor as your daddy led me back to the car, I cried a little at the thought that its not going to be much longer!

So now we have a strict schedule of pills and activity and blood tests in order to get you here! But I wouldn't change it for the world! Me and daddy have reviewed the names that we were thinking of and have decided that we want as much to be a surprise to everyone as possible so nothing on here until we know what sex you will be!

We have also had to look into the possibility of multiple births, as it runs in both our families and with the tablets I am on there is an increased risk. It would be just my luck to wait for so long for one baby and then have two or more come along.

I feel so elated at the moment about it all, and it just seems like there are babies everywhere. Maybe I was wallowing in my own self-pity to realise it before, but every where I turn there are bumps and push chairs, films about babies, and adverts and tv programmes. Maybe before we made this decision I just ignored everything baby like, but now I get a knot in my stomach.

Also this week me and daddy celebrated being together for 7 years! its amazing to think that 7 years ago I didnt see him every day and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He is my right arm and a part of my soul. When he isnt with me there is always a part of me that feels empty, especially when I am on my own. He is the best man in the world and he is going to be the best daddy.

Before we had the appointment at the hospital I had my doubts about wether he really wanted this as badly as I do. But in the car on the way I looked and saw his jaws tensing, and he kept fidgeting. I knew then that even though he doesnt talk about it, he wants this more than anything else. I saw that he is as scared as I am that we will be left disappointed again, and he is scared just like me that we will make mistakes!

We will make mistakes, and I can gurantee that we will not always agree on everything. But I can also gurantee that no matter what we will always cherish and adore you!

All my love
         Always and Forever
                              Mummy XxX

Medical!

So lately I have been to and fro with doctors appointments and counselling so I have been really busy so lets go into some detail.

Firstly there is my counselling which i have to go to every week for six weeks. When im there I get half an hour, where I fill in a questionnaire and get told what level of anxiety or depression I have. Then I get asked random questions where I have to analyse myself. Once this is done and I find something else needs fixing I then get to read a leaflet on how to improve.

Then there is the gym, its going well and I have lost four kilos so far. I have also lost 2cm and can squeeze into a 14!

I then have appointments with a dietician who has asked the doctors to prescribe me metformin which I have just started taking.

So very busy with that and work and being social as usual, but optimistic with the progress so far.
Fingers crossed it will be good enough for the doctor in May.

All my love,

              Always and forever,
                                     Mummy X x X

Progress!

Just weighed in and I have lost half a stone in two weeks! Really impressed!

What a b.e.a.u-tiful day!

Dearest Bubba,

Waking up this morning was amazing! The sun was shining and if it wasn't for an ache in my legs from the gym I would have skipped merrily down the road.

Instead I woke up realising the house is a state and I forgot to put the recycling out again! Just a few more things to add to my list of ' sort my lazy butt out before i become a mummy!'

The gym is going well and my eating habits are slowly getting better! I need to start planning my time better and I have decided to cut some gym time so I can ensure i focus on my meal plans.

My next appointment is the 17th of may so I have until then to get my hopefully nice firm butt into gear!

All my love,
           always and forever,
                                Mummy x x

How Strange?

Dearest Bubba,

I have just viewed the blog through the computer for the first time in a while as I normally use the blogger app on my phone - and for some strange reason everything seems to be underlined.

Today I went to see ' the best exotic marigold hotel' at the cinema with Aunty Kip. I have to say that it was a feel good film - but it also made you think about what it is that we are aiming for in life. What is it that we are working so hard to do? Who and what are we trying to prove? Is it better to have a stable income or should we save less and see more.
The film definitely inspired the peace loving, world travelling, couldn't care less about society's needs part of my soul - but as usual the sensible - work, money, dog, friends, family side of me told me not to be so silly!

So what am I going to do about it now? Not much to be honest! I dont even have a passport so I can't go very far, but it has inspired me to work harder and definitely get my degree to become a teacher. This way i will have a rewarding, well paid job and 13 weeks to go on holiday and travel and see different places and maybe, just maybe find some answers to these questions.

At the end of the day - when im old and grey - as long as things are still going my way - ill be ok!

All my love,
         Always and forever,
                                Mummy xxx

Powerhoop!

Dearest Bubba,

Oh dear!

Look at my bruise from power hoop. It was a brilliant class though and I can really feel the work out. This one is on my right hip. Powerhoop isn't like hula hoop you have to go back and forth or side to side. Its not just a ring either it is moulded foam on the inside of the ring like waves. The idea is that it bashes the fat on your waist. It is a brilliant class and so much fun! Write again soon, All my love, always and forever, Mummy x

My poor acheyness!

Dearest Bubba,

Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in a very long time for a legs, bums and tums session.

I used to go all the time before my knee and feet injuries and it was still really  good and with the same instructor. . .

But am I feeling it today! I was ok this morning but its starting to wear me out now. I have been up since 5 this morning so understandable but way out of shape!

Trying a powerhoop class tonight which I have never done before so will see what that is like and also going to try out the sauna, which i have also never done before!

Wish me luck!

All my love,
           always and forever,
                             Mummy x x x

Naughty me!

<p>&lt;p&gt;So it has been eleven days since i started giving up food for lent and i have to admit I have been unsuccessful so far. My excuse is that I had a stinking cold that has now led to a major sore throat and led to me not being able to eat solid food apart from milkshakes and ice cream. I am feeling better now so I will try again from tomorrow. &lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;I have also had my assessment at the gym and the guy has given me a weekly quota to hit. I need to do two spin classes, two legs bums and tums classes and pilates a week. &lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;This week is the week that I start so I will keep you updated and hopefully there will be some results other than aching body parts and chocolate cravings.

Its a twelve week plan altogether so wish me luck!

As always lots of love
           always and forever
                               mummy x x x

Back to work!

<p>Dearest Bubba, </p>
<p>Tomorrow is on of those days where I go to bed and hope I wake up feeling refreshed and revitalized because. . .

. . . That's right! Back to work.

Don't get me wrong I love the company but I really can't stand a few people. Most of them grumble all the time that they actually have to do work!

Apart from that and a complete pain in the arse member of management, I actually can't wait to start open university.

I have looked through my guide and I am ready to apply. I have also applied for quite a few new jobs which would be really good. I would have to stay where I am part time but that's fine. I just want to get away from the politics of arse kissing and find a rewarding career in teaching so I can help kids fulfill their potential.

I am going to keep my fingers and everything else crossed and I really need everyone else to please?

Will keep you informed.

All my love,
          always and forever,
                                  mummy x x

Lent - day 3

Dearest Bubba,

Today is day 3 of lent and I have been so good. I have given up chocolate, crisps, biscuits

and ice cream. Its very hard but I do it every year and this year I have more reason to do it. Its like the lyric in affirmation by savage garden. "i believe that junk food tastes so good because its bad for you." Even in the cinema I was really good, when I wanted to munch on loads of goodies I just chewed on my straw! So very satisfying. . . . Or not. All in all I do feel better and I know its good for me so bring on the temptation . . . . . . . . . just in small doses! As usual; All my love, always and forever, mummy x x x

Concerned?

Dearest Friends,

Lately I have obviously been feeling more emotional than usual and im under the impression that this is leading to two things:

1. Is that people don't want to talk to me in case I get upset or they don't feel they can share good news with me incase it makes me feel even worse.

2. Is that they are using my emotional time to hide what they are going through instead of being honest with me.

So if I make you feel like you can't talk to me then I apologise from the bottom of my heart.
However if you love me like you all say you do stop treading on egg shells around me!
Be honest with me, don't let things build up just say - You know if I am upset with you I tell you, even if its not what you want to hear. Stop treating me differently.

I need friends and family I can have a laugh with and still enjoy myself. It doesn't matter how much I want a baby, I still want my life too. And im not going to slum around the house with make-up running down my face looking for pity.

So I cry sometimes because its challenging! Put your arms around me and hug me until I laugh at myself for being so silly. Laugh with me!

There really is no need to be concerned, im not dying! I will get what I want in the end I always do!

Real friends are honest, even when you don't like to hear it. Real friends don't get jealous when you have good news! Real friends love you no natter what and appreciate everything you do no matter what. Lets be real friends?

I really appreciate the concern from everyone but I AM FINE!  please believe me and stop looking at me with sad eyes.

I love you all so much, and I know you are always there for me.

All my love,
           always and forever,
                               C  x x x

Happy pancake day!

Dearest Bubba,

Today is pancake day! I am two days into my holiday and already had about twenty phone calls from work.

I have been job hunting this week, and i went back to the doctors last night.

He admitted that im not getting help because of government funding and that the doctors that treated me would have gone back on everything they said, if i had private medical care.

So i got a bit upset again and nana spoke to the doctor whilst i calmed down. So to get the help i need, i have been referred to the gym, and a health plan, plus a dietician, and a counsellor.

So i am going to give it a try!

Just another hurdle to get over, but there is a smile slapped on my face and a nagging voice telling me to get up and go! Positive mind, positive results!

. . . . . . .

As usual,

All my love,
           always and forever,
                                     mummy x x

Doctor doctor

So I may have got my knickers in a twist today with the doctor. Its a long story so here it is!
I arrive positive and open minded to what they are going to say.
Nurse pops out and claims that I am at the wrong clinic, but the doctor will see me and help where he can.
I go in and he asks me why i have travelled so far to margate, when i have already seen someone else closer. I explain the last incident and how rude she was. He answered "its a harsh truth being told your overweight. . . " as if I hadn't noticed I couldn't fit into my size ten jeans anymore! He continued . . . " but it is the biggest factor of infertility and new guidelines say we can't offer you medical help until you lose ten percent of your current weight. . ." even though they didn't weigh me when I came in

. . . "as people that are over weight have higher risks of health problems during pregnancy, and we need to ensure they are healthy enough to get pregnant". I then explained that I have been trying but with little results, expecting more help when instead: "well keep trying and eventually you will get to the right weight so that we can help you, but you have to be patient." I cried more out of frustration this time, than the previous lack of respect from the other doctor and still nothing than a bit of sympathy and a pat on the back and a referral to the 'specialist'. Its funny because I didn't realise that the £94.80 that I pay in national insurance every month was for someone who doesn't even know my name properly to judge whether I should be given the opportunity to have a baby! And better yet to tell me to be patient and lose ten percent of my weight. I didn't realise that if you had a medical degree you were allowed to shred other peoples dreams. I guess I should have gone to university after all. On the plus side. . . Nope I can't see a plus side today. Maybe in the morning when I have had the chance to vent more. I will keep waiting for you! All my love, always and forever, Mummy x x x

Valentines day.

Tomorrow is valentines day.
What are my plans?
That's right I have a hospital appointment in margate. So I am currently chilling on aunty Cloe's sofa before I go to bed. The good news is that its all for you baby! I am slightly worried after the cow I saw last time.
Otherwise I will also be visiting grandad whilst I am here, then drive home to make daddy a nice dinner and watch lethal weapon 2.
I will write tomorrow to let you know how it went. Wish me luck x x

All my love,
           always and forever,
                               Mummy x x

The strangest thing!

Dearest Bubba,

The strangest thing happened to me today. I was in asda on my lunch when I say there two gorgeous twins with curly blonde hair, one baby boy and the other a baby girl. They were in a trolley and their dad was looking at dvds. When I walked past the little boy reached out to me, like he wanted me to lift him out the trolley. I was extremely tempted, then remembered it would be kidnapping so all I could do was smile and walk away.
In other news a test today shows I am still not pregnant so that made me sad.
I have hospital on Tuesday so will wait and see if a nice doctor will help me this time.
Will write again soon,

All my love,
             always and forever,
                                    Mummy x x x

Free of syns

This meal is free at slimming world and is delicious!
Here is how:
Per person - get a potatoe and stab with a fork and bake in the oven on a low heat until the skin is crispy. (wash first.)
When they are nearly done heat a frying pan. Cut your mushrooms and 2 cloves of garlic, and start frying. Remove the fat from the steak and fry with the garlic and mushrooms. Leave all the juices in the pan to cook the mushrooms better as you shouldn't use any fat or oil. If your pan sticks then use fry lite cooking spray. Fry until mushrooms are soft, and steak is the way you like it.

Gossip girl!

Dearest Bubba,

So i have just started watching gossip girl after aunty Kip lent me her dvds. Its actually addictive like 3 episodes a day!
But i guess it has taken away the addiction of chocolate, ice cream, fast food and everything else that is so not good for me.
I have started slimming world and its not going to badly so far, i haven't weighed my self so far but it seems that although i eat loads of crap i haven't put any weight on.

So i continue my way into the land of skinny. . . Maybe! 1 ryvita at a time! 

Until then,
All my love,
          always and forever,
                                  mummy x x

Tears and Tantrums

Dearest Bubba

Today is day 10 of the dukan diet. Hand over my heart i have followed the plan religiously, which includes the salivating continuously whilst everyone else eats chocolate, crisps, bread, butter, chips even fruit and vegetables!! Never thought i would say that. And the result .... 245Ilbs. Yep that's right more than i was when i went to the doctor and no difference at all in this past week. Poly cystic ovaries 1 - Dukan Diet - 0.
My thoughts... What a waste of my bloody time and over exercisement (i know its not a real word) of me will power, self control and stress levels. Poor daddy has had to deal with my chocolate withdrawal tantrums and now my tears of disbelief that i have not shredded a single pound. If i ever doubted daddy's compassion and suitability to be the man in my life i take it all back. He has been so supportive and great this week!

How am i making myself feel better - yes you are right and i know i shouldn't but i am having a splurge day. Tomorrow i am going food shopping with daddy and we are going to try a new diet together with slimming world. A friend of mine went for 6 months and said she will be happy to share all her recipes. This one is based on a balanced diet and not having extreme amounts of protein. I know i only gave it one week, but other people i know that have done this diet and lost weight straight away.

So part of the next plan will also include a stepped up diet routine and it will still mean no crisps or chocolate. Maybe after i have lost weight i will go back to the dukan diet to tone up but right now its not doing me any good. I get tired all the time and frustrated and i don't seem to be the biggest fan of salmon or fish in general.

I will keep you informed and hopefully in a few days there will be more progress. Me and uncle Billy are trying zumba on the wii tonight. I think it means he will watch me fall over and laugh but I'm going to try it anyway.

All my love,
           Always and forever
                                Mummy xxx 

Dukan

Dearest Bubba

Here is the latest information on what i am doing to try and lose some weight. Its not my choice exactly as i didn't really care but the doctor says i have to or we can't have you - so here it goes...

The Dukan Diet

So i am currently on day 4 of my diet and so far i think it is going well. Never heard of the dukan diet? let me explain.

It consists of 4 phases:

 

• 
  Here is the diet information that i mentioned to you both. I will be starting on the 2nd so if you want to do it with me feel free.
  
  its called Dukan diet and is made of 4 phases.
  
  The Attack phase which lasts for 10 days and consists of protein rich foods only. E.g Eggs for breakfast, fish for lunch and chicken breast for dinner. Other items include steak, lean and skinless chicken or turkey, crabbs, mussels, cottage cheese (low fat), prawns.
  Everything must be cooked without fat but yoyu can add spices, lemon, vinegar or soy sauce to flavour.
  2 tablespoons of oat bran each day - 1 1/2 litres of water, tea or coffee a day (skimmed milk, no sugar) herbal tee.
  
  cruise phase:
  add unlimited amounts of non-starch based vegetables, every other day. e.g on your veg day you can eat spinach, mushrooms, vegetable soup and caserole. (no cream of soups) fruit, potatoes, sweetcorn, peas, baked beans are not allowed. this continues until you reach your goal weight.
  
  consolidation phase: gradually reintroduce bread, cereals, fruit, pasta, rice, oils and butter along with alcohol by having small amount evey other day, you must do this for 5 days for every pound you lost during the diet. exampl 14lbs or 1 stone = 50 days.
  
  Ongoing phase: finally you can eat virtualy anything you want in moderation ( no tubs of ice cream or blocks of chocolate) for six days a week, 1 day a week must be protein only.
  
  Pros to this are rapid and permanent weightloss if you stick with it, very simple once you get going.
  
  cons is the attack phase can get boring, can put a strain on kidneys if you have an underlying problem, multivitamins are recommended and oat bran is important to try to avoid constipation. Green tea will also help.
  
  exercise is necessary for 20-30 minutes a day mostly cardio but some strength exercises are needed to ensure muscles don't disappear.
  

So far i got really bored of drinking water so i have added squash, but otherwise i feel i am doing well. my freezer is stocked with chicken, salmon and beef steaks. i am really looking forward to a weeks time when i can add spinach and other veg every other day. The one thing im not doing is exercise, at the moment while im getting used to the diet change i have been really tired, but next week when i am more used to it i intend to really knuckle down with that part. There has been some bowel irregularities but nothing extreme, i think its the dramatic change in diet. I have also bought mouth spray for my breath, as you cant eat mints and the water and squash makes your breath stale!  Otherwise im sleeping well and hoping its a good start. I am currently 6st2lbs and i will update you soon.

All my love,
        Always and forever

                                        Mummy xxx

What a wait!

Dearest Bubba,

I guess the first thing i should do is apologise for the length of time it has taken me to produce this next post!

My new years resolution (or one of them) was to spend more time and effort completing this.

There are quite a few reasons why i gave up, the main one was that i am still not pregnant. It kills me every time to say it out loud or in my head and it seems for the moment that i am going to have to try to put it out of my mind. That's the advice that everyone keeps giving me, but its soooo hard. All i keep thinking about is 'when i get pregnant' and i keep saying to daddy ' when we have a baby' but its just like one of those dreams you want to achieve that you know is never going to happen but you daydream about it all the same.

I saw a gueny - i don't have a clue how to spell it! - and she said i was to fat (at size 14-16) to have a baby. And whilst i understand that being overweight can cause poly cystic ovaries she was in complete fairness an utter bitch! Even grumps (grandad) thought she was unfair with everything she said. in short she mad me feel like i was a teenager who couldn't be bothered to get a job and just have a baby and live of benefits for the rest of my life. I guess it didn't help that i went straight from my job (as assistant manager in a sports store) which meant i was wearing a tracksuit, but i felt she didn't even take a chance to get to know me! so i am going to ring the doctor and ask to see someone a bit more compassionate.

I am also going to take the bull by the horns and try this 'Dukan Diet' that everyone is raving about! I'm day three in and its not going to bad. i have decided that until i do get pregnant and can share the experiences of that i will share with you the experiences of extreme dieting!

Tomorrow will be my first post about the Dukan Diet and the changes it has in my life and side effects that people probably don't tell you about.

Until tomorrow,

All my love
          Always and Forever
                                 Mummy xxx